Monday, April 18, 2011

You Don't Know How Good You Have It

I've always been taught, and I believe, that all we have to do is to take a quick look around and we'll find someone who has it worse than ourselves. Usually those looks don't take long for me to see that more unfortunate individual. As for me personally, I hardly ever have to scan the people around me because generally, I am one of the happiest people out there. Right now, I am asking for your prayers for ME.

Last week, I began noticing little things such as the "floaters" in my eyes. Many of us have floaters that are caused by eye problems. These are not what I am talking about. Mine are like strings of pearls. They slowly make their way from one side to the other. My doctors have always told me that these are signs that my moods are either getting ready to take a leap upwards--or downwards. It is the ones that are heading downwards that concern me the most... The ones that signal that I am going to be having an elevated mood are usually kinda fun. They are not good though when my mood has been stabilized. Those extreme high moods are dangerous also. You begin to think that you are Super Man (or Woman) and can do anything and everything. When the Bi-Polar deals with that part of our illness, we sleep VERY little. We get a whole lot done but we are also very recless. Once we hit the top, we plumet to the very bottom--very quickly...

Shortly after that, the next signals make their appearance. Sleepiness-- even though I have gotten plenty of rest and am not physically ill, lack of desire to do my housework, yardwork and my job outside of the home, inability to handle money properly... As you can imagine, these obstacles not only affect me, but they also affect the people who are around me the most. Fortunately, Stan and my children are usually quite understanding and just jump in there and help out wherever they need to. Please do not get the idea that I am lazy. I am about as far from that as you can get. When my body is going through the changes brought on by my Bi-Polar Disorder, all that I feel like doing is sitting (or lying) around and basically, just feeling sorry for myself. Again, don't think that by having someone stand around me and yelling at me that my life is so good, will help me. Believe me, it does not. That just makes things much worse. The thing that most people do not realize, and probably do not care about, is the fact that physical causes are responsible for my mood swings. Usually, nothing else is to blame for them. Of course, people like me can get depressed over the same things that other people do such as the illness or death of someone close to us, job loss, money issues, etc., etc., etc. Those depressions are "cured" much the same way as "normal people" depressions dissipate.

For now, please be patient with me. There is a good possibility that you will not be hearing from me much for awhile. It is not because of anything that anyone has said or done. Little by little and lot by lot, things should get better for me. The depression will definitely not go away overnight. It did not come on that easily so we cannot expect it to go away that easily either.

This is a sampling of how it is to live in my mind. I joined FACEBOOK over a year ago. For the most part, I have enjoyed it. Last week, I saw the name of a family member show up on the computer screen. I could have chosen to "x it out" and be done with it, or I could have tried to add that person to my friend list. I opted for the second option. When I asked that person to "be my FB friend", I also suggested that she become friends with other FB friends of mine who had one connection with her or another. Guess What! She chose to add some of the other people but did not feel it desireable to add me to her friend list. I am not going to lie to you. That hurt me BIG TIME!!! Of course, that happened when I was beginning to feel vulnerable so it hurt much more than it would have had I not been struggling already.

I can already hear some of you snickering or downright laughing about what I just wrote. The truth of the matter is that until you have walked a mile in my moccassins, you don't understand what all is involved here. So when I realized that she did not think enough of me to add me to her list, my eyes welled up with tears and I just clammed up even more. From it all, I decided that I was several steps below being the kind of person whom anyone would want to be friends with.

I take medicine for this problem as well as the many other health problems that I face from day to day. Eventually, I will be "moving on up" to a place where I prefer to be--my happy spot. In the meantime, please be patient--very patient with me. And, please do not forget to say a little prayer for me...



  1. Depression is a horrible illness. I too suffer from it -

    I hope you feel "sunnier" and happier soon.

  2. Thank you, Iggy! I feel better just knowing that you care and understand what I am going through right now. This is tough! VLE-B


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