For as long as I have been writing my blog, I have been sharing very intimate details of my life with you. Sometimes that has backfired on me as I received great resistance to what I wrote. But today, I am feeling like sharing possibly the most intimate thing with you so far. What I am about to tell you on here, is something that before now, I only shared with my family, the dearest of friends and doctors who try to decide what needs to be done next for me medically. Doctors believe that some of my medical conditions were caused because of this little secret...
I was born an identical twin. My parents never had any idea that there were two of us until our birthday. Back when I was born, October 29th, 1961, there was no such thing as a sonogram like we have today. There were barely pregnancy tests! I can only imagine the shock that my parents must have felt when, during childbirth, the doctor informed them that they were about to be the parents of TWO daughters. Unfortunately, when my sister was born just a few minutes later, it was determined that she had been dead for a few months.
My mother had had a terrible pregnancy. She had morning sickness through much of it. Halfway through the pregnancy, she began having cramps and spotting. Of course, she went to the doctor. He gave her a prescription drug to try to save the pregnancy. A short time later, the cramps and spotting were gone and the pregnancy carried on. My mother's doctor believed that my twin died during the time that my mother had had cramps and spotting. As the months went by, her tiny body developed cracks that allowed the poisons from her body to escape and to enter into my body. Eventually, those poisons made my mother very sick also. Had the pregnancy continued for just a few days longer, chances are that Mama and I would have also died.
The doctor was sure that he could handle this delivery the old fashioned way--no c-section would be necessary. By the time that he decided that a c-section needed to be done, it was too late. I was already in the birth canal. Using forceps (medical "tongs"), he was eventually able to extract me from my mother's womb. We would learn years later that the birth problems would cause me to have severe problems such as the fact that though some things in education came easily to me, others did not. To this day, learning certain things for me is a big struggle. For example, years ago, I was hired on as on office clerk. A big portion of my job duties required being able to use several different computer systems. No problem, right? Everyone else could do it. Why not me? Hmmm, I was about as unsuccessful with that job as I could possibly be. I couldn't handle it. Co-workers teased me to my face as well as to my back at how stupid I was. The pain was torturous. I later quit the job.
We laugh sometimes at how totally dumb I can be in some things but how quick I can be when it comes to doing such things as general math problems in my head. My family and a few friends have had a head/calculator contest with me many times. One person will call out a mathematical problem. My opponent is supposed to process the problem through the calculator while I process it through my head. In almost every instance, I come up wuth the correct answer before the caluclator does! It is great to know that I can excel at something that most people who know me would never guess that I could.
My cardiologists and neurologists have done great research on me to try to figure out what had gone so seriously wrong that has caused me to have my severe heart and seizure problems. Though there are always a few possibilities, over and over they come back that the facts of the traumatic gestation had caused me to not be as healthy as I could have been.
I was an only child for 6 years. I remember being incredibly lonely when my parents were at work and I was with my babysitter. I developed an invisible playmate whom I had for quite some time. Fortunately, God sent two sisters for me whom I love dearly. But, still, I have always felt like something was missing. I felt like that but had no understanding of it until my parents told me in grade school that I had had a twin sister. All of a sudden, things began to fall into place...
One sister is 6 years younger than me. The other is 10 years younger than me. We have a great sisterhood but at the same time, because of how much older I am than them, I tended to be more parent-like to them than a big sister. As a result of that, they didn't always share some parts of their lives with me like they did with one another. To this day, I grieve for the twin I lost so that I could have had the type of closeness that my sisters have always shared with each other. Chances are that you think that I am more of an idiot than you thought I was before now. Right? You may be right.
Today, I watched some videos about twin babies on www.youtube.com . It makes even more sense to me now about how much I lost when my sister died. In the past several years, researchers have gathered evidence of the intense relationship and bond that twins have. Studies have shown twins in-utero who are touching one another. Of course, they have always touched by what I mean is that they move their hands to touch each other on purpose. They communicate with one another. Some studies have shown one twin purposefully waking the other. Sounds beautiful, doesn't it? Well, now..imagine this. What about the twins who went through what my sister and I did--the death of one baby? To my knowledge, no research has been done on this event. I would assume that the survivor would feel abandoned by the one who died. For my entire life, even now, I don't like to be alone for very long. I want to be touched and cuddled. From my standpoint, I think that it all goes back to the loss of my sister so very many years ago. Does that make any sense to you? I hope so. I would hate to think that my thought was that far out there that no one could understand where it came from. LOL!
You're probably wondering where all of this has come from, aren't you? Not a day goes by that I don't think of her at least once. Of course, if I hear something about twins, young or old, I remember her. Today, I saw a couple of youtube videos that reminded me again. I am going to share those with you now. But before I do that, I had always wondered what happens to babies who do not live long enough to take a breath. That question was answered for me when I read Todd Burpo's "Heaven is for Real". God automatically takes them to Heaven with Him. They wait for their family until, one by one, their family members join them. What great knowledge to have since I have a twin and a child whom I lost through miscarriage, waiting for ME!
Boy, this has been a deep post, hasn't it? I appreciate you allowing me to talk to you about it! I feel like I got a lot off of my chest today. Thank you!!!!!!!
This is currently a major hit on www.youtube.com! It involves funny twin babies having a conversation with one another. The language is the one that they developed for just the two of them to understand.
You'll see two Dutch girls talking and laughing hysterically with each other.
Again, thank you...